11 February 2007

New Words/Meanings I've Learnt (3)

A fellow blogger (name deleted to protect the innocent) sent me an email titled 'Sayings Of Wives'. It was interesting and humorous but at first, I didn't want to blog about it because such information is likely to be available somewhere on the web. However, after I forwarded the first email to another blogger (name deleted to avoid implicating anyone), I received what looked like a 'veiled threat' email titled 'Warning' from her. Its content was just a few cryptic Chinese characters. When translated into English, they roughly meant 'knowing got tiger in jungle and you still want to venture in'. I asked her to elaborate what she meant but as of last night, she didn't.

As I am by nature a fearless, playful and defiant monkey blogger, I purposely want to blog about the first email. I think that email must be the reason why the female blogger sent me that threatening email. The first email is about our (men's) take on wives and marriages.

As usual, for those of you who have read this before, please skip the first half of this post but don't miss the second half. I believe most of the second half is original and has never been published before. Under no circumstances should you complain or say that the jokes are 'so lame' because they are not my own.

Men, you are welcome to add yours here in the comments. However, please note that any defamatory remarks, racist comments and personal attacks will be blogged blocked by the blog owner (that's me lah) and the originator will be forever banned from commenting on this blog. However, risque and sexist remarks are perfectly fine. In fact, they are most welcome.

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sacha Guitry)

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." (Hemant Joshi)

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." (Socrates)

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them." (Dumas)

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?' " (Sigmund Freud)

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." (Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." (Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up." (Nash)

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..." (Anonymous)

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." (Henny Youngman)

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." (Rodney Dangerfield).

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." (Milton Berle).

"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." (Anonymous)

"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (Anonymous)

"First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' "

Here are more similar wise sayings from my other blogo-friends:

"The most difficult part of a marriage is when you're in it." (Anonymous)

"In an argument, always let your wife have the last word. Because anything you say after that is the beginning of another argument." (From the husband with an argumentative wife.)

"Instructions for men: If a woman asks you, 'Am I fat?', under no circumstances should you answer because whatever reason you give will be a wrong one. Not answering by walking away or pretending not to hear the question are also wrong. No matter what you do, she will not talk to you for at least one week after asking that question." (Sources cannot be revealed to protect the 2 thin husbands who probably have rather 'heavy' wives.)

"There is never a dialogue with a wife. It's more like a multiple-choice Q&A session. She asks you a question, you need 10 words to give your reply but before you could utter 5 words, she shoots another question. Then you pause and answer the second question and before you could say 5 words, a third question pops up. The whole thing goes on for 5 minutes and before long, you find that her mood changes and she becomes aggressive and accuses you of not listening to her." (Source cannot be revealed to protect the poor hen-pecked husband from further verbal abuse.)

"She asks you whether you think she is heavy. (She either never admits she's fat or insists that it's the wrong word to use. If you dare correct her choice of word, you'll be terribly abused verbally.) If you choose to agree, you are in trouble. She heads for the latest "slimming and spa" joint where she ends up buying a package worth $5K. After $5K is spent (and you know that she still can't fit into those clothes - yesterday, it was size 5; today, it is more like size 8), she asks you whether you see any 'progress'." (From a husband speaking from bad experience.)

"She warns you not to eat too much ice cream. 'It's not good for your health', she says but she buys a tub from NTUC Fairprice because it's on 'special offer' for today. Then you open the fridge and you find out from your maid that it's your 'Missus' and child who helped themselves to the ice cream first. Now who puts on weight?" (From an underweight husband.)

"Wives are meant to be loved not understood because the 'good book' says, 'Husbands, love your wives.' It doesn't say we have to understand them." (From a god-fearing husband.)

I thank all my blogo-friends who 'contributed' the above wise sayings. I apologise for not seeking your permission before posting them in my blog. If my cheeky remarks touches a nerve, I seek your forgiveness. They are all uttered in jest. However, should any of you think that I should take them down, just let me know, okay?


me said...

Somehow the think some of the addons to the email comes from you :p

eastcoastlife said...

My condolences to all the terror-stricken husbands. hahaha.... I thought my husband was the most pitiful man on Earth, now I know there are far worst husbands than mine. hahahahahaha..........

To make up for my years of 'husband abuse', I even wanted to get him a concubine, now I can banish the thought. My husband is still a very fortunate man!

I am a woman. Not an ordinary woman. Years of fighting hard for survival in the men-dominated business world has made me into a she-man.

My husband is no weakling, he's just not the aggresive type, he's patient, intelligent, gentle, sensitive and loving. Those who don't know him well, tends to think he is a hen-pecked husband. We just laugh it off.

A marriage is like an enterprise. You require lots of hard work, passion & dedication to keep it going.

Fug it, at this rate that I'm writing, I might as well write a post on it.

See you at my site.

Victor said...

GNE - None of the email add-ons came from me, I swear... oops.

Jayne - I didn't interview your husband for this post leh. So why so guilty conscious hah? Haha. Concubine must get for yourself one. Wife get one tak shiok.

Lam Chun See said...

How come ECL suddenly so serious. Those lines were all meant to be jokes lah; including the add-ons. Except the last one which Victor meant to say was "From a wife-fearing husband".

BTW, Victor, thanks for another 'classic' post.
Did you forget to mention that some the add-ons were from a lady?

Victor said...

Chun See - ECL got her PMS, I mean moods. (Any wonder why one of her nicknames is 'chameleon'?) This must be one of her serious moods.

I think I didn't quote anything from the lady in our group.

oceanskies79 said...

Victor...sounds like you are having a war with ECL?

How on Earth did you both know each other?

Victor said...

PY - Now you are davindering singh me? I'm not so sure how this whole affair started or who seduced whom first. I think she wished me Merry X'mas here first. She probably blog-hopped from Walter's blog. But not to worry, just like the occasional lovers' tiff, it is innocuous. We will get by. :p

oceanskies79 said...

No lah. I am curious, and I don't have any intention to interogate.

wow, at this rate, ECL would know all the Friends of Yesterday.sg

Chris Sim said...

Er... Jayne, let's juz call a spade a spade lah. I tot I was the most pitiful man on earth too, having married Slim Lady. But now, I think I fare better than Chris (Tan not Sim). Aiyo.. you're worse then PAP. Hahahaha..

Victor - Juz because Jayne went on a men-bashing rampage, there's no excuse for you to go on a women-banging spree hor. Let's make love, I mean peace, and not war.


Chris Sim said...

Babi toad. Why you like go moderate comments ah? Hng!

Victor said...

PY and Chris - I don't believe in just taking and not giving. On the other hand, if you have a habit of giving, you better learn how to take as well. Fair exchange is no robbery what.

Moderating comments is what I learnt from some people one. But so far, I've not blocked any comments from anyone yet, not like some people.

oceanskies79 said...

Meantime, Happy Chinese New Year. Wishing you and your family happiness and good health.

Victor said...

PY - Thanks for your well wishes. Here's wishing you and your family a Happy And Prosperous Chinese New Year too. My greetings to all readers are in my earlier post. 猪你新年快乐.

Anonymous said...

haha happy new year GD!

chill it man.... both of u =)

alphabet soup said...

I enjoy reading your blog. And as for todays post - lots of laughs. So many that I would like to link you to my blog if that is ok. I am going to pre-empt a yes answer, though our time zones are not that different I might have finished for the day before you reply. I will remove the link asap if the answer is no!!
Ms Soup

Victor said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and linking me, Alphabet-soup. (Er... do you have a shorter, more personal name which I can call and recall?) I would say yes to your linking me if you don't mind that all the quotes in that post didn't originate from me. I also don't blog about language very often.

I've also left a comment on your 'B for Being' post. You have a very interesting blog yourself.

How's the weather Down Under? Good day mate. Hope you don't mind me linking you too.

Victor said...

Etel said: chill it man.... both of u

Er... you mean Chris Sim and I? We are as chilled as can be already. :)

me said...

no, you and ECL la GD

Victor said...

I think she's got new target liao. But never mind lah. E C Lai, E C Ki (easy come, easy go). GD still got GNE mah, hahaha.