03 September 2006

Ten Things That Make Me Singaporean

Yes, National Day was last month and a book with a similar title was already published in 2003. Chris also had a timely post on the same subject.

However, a comment by fellow blogger Frannxis on my last post prompted me to write this one to explain what I meant by being a "100% true blue Singaporean". Moreover, Evan "tagged me for a meme" (whatever that means) to write about "5 things I want to eat before I die".

I am not very much into food because I am afraid that I may grow to be like this man someday:

Disclaimer: The word "victorkoo" in the above photo only describes the owner of the photo and not the subject of the photo. (The real victorkoo is only about half his width and probably about twice his height.)

Moreover, I do not like to talk about my death. Therefore to compensate, I am writing about 10 things that make me Singaporean instead. I am counter-tagging Evan (sweet revenge), Chun See (sweeter revenge) and Chris (sweetest revenge) with the meme. As for Etel and Frannxis, the meme is optional.

1. I register for a flat with my fiance only to find that by the time the flat is ready, I she has changed her heart mind. I don't propose but when the time is ripe, I just suggest, "We go apply flat?" No wonder many people are not getting married;

2. I volunteer in a premier primary school or buy a condo located within 1 km radius of the premier school just so that my son can get into its primary one class. Because of that, I lost a lot of money buying a condo. Now I could only afford condoms;

3. My newspaper calls STD (sexually transmitted diseases) as STI (sexually transmitted infections), making me confuse it with the Straits Times Index. Because of that, I also lost a lot of money speculating in shares - another reason why I buy only condoms now;

4. Like Chris, I also "chope" seats at food centres with packets of tissue paper after having lost a few wallets, keychains and handphones that way;

5. Although food centres abound in Singapore, I can never get "mee siam mai harm" here without risking a tongue-lashing from mee siam lady because "mee siam here is got no harm one what";

6. Anything free like tin cups and digital cameras I also want, as the hundreds of people queuing for 35 free digital cameras yesterday will tell you:

Note: The queue didn't end at the left of the photo. I didn't have a camera with a wide enough lens and I was already backed up to the fence on the other side of the road. There were at least 3 times the number of people shown in the above photo in the queue.

7. I always have the right of way on the road; everyone else is a bad driver. I suka-suka change lanes without signalling. (Just like I suka-suka switch from using Singlish to English and terbalik with no advance notice. Cannot meh? I like or you like? Not your business what.)

8. I live in the only place on earth where the people need to be told when to have (or not to have) children, when to smile, where to smoke but not to chew gum, no matter when or where;

9. I live in a place where regardless of whether I blog about good things or bad, people will find you in time, be it 1 day or 38 years. It's the only place I know where you can get a rap from a National Day Rally because of a podcast about bak chor mee. And then later, you literally get a rap from a National Day Rally; and last but not least

10. Whenever I use a 4-letter word (actually only 1 letter and 3 asterisks) or mention anything even only remotely connected with the subject of sex, I can be sure that the "blogo-policeman" will reproach me. Does he even know that the Internet has much more harmful stuff and young girls who only read wholesome stuff on the Internet are getting AIDS in their teens, all because of lack of sex education? Take for example this traffic-signs montage with a story which was emailed to me by a "young blogo-girl". (WARNING TO THE YOUNG GIRLS READING THIS POST - click on this link ONLY if you read more than wholesome stuff.) Those with a cheeko humourous mind may find it funny. But I don't know about the blogo-policeman.

So Frannxis, how Singaporean are you?


evan said...

wah lau, not fair!! u never do mine, so i'm not gonna do yours oso. and eye for an eye. yay!!!!!!! good way to shirk responsibility uncle vic. well done lor! haha.

evan said...

oh btw, i tot female is referred to as fiancee? male den is fiance mah. and ya, i really learnt my lesson. nx time any food related meme, not gonna tag u oredi. finally understand how u r the type who only eat to live, not live to eat LOL!!!

Chris said...

Old man, I mean oh man. Your this post is 1 month 5 days late! Shold have done it on National Day! Is this a sign of old age hah? So slow....

frannxis said...

Hahaha..very funny....
If I ever write, it would 10 things that make me unSingaporean.

Alamat, I didn't know about the free digital camera.

I think I have not seen that book also.

I was reading this about Sigaporean going after the 5 'Cs'. Looks like you got one more C.

Victor said...

Evan, you're right about fiance and fiancee. Thanks for pointing out the error in English. But sometimes, man choose fiance out of choice, haha.

Chris, my post is only 25 days old even using your method of counting. Oh man, I mean, old man.

Frannxis, I knew about the free camera from a Singapore Post mailer inserted in my mailbox the day before. (Ah you must have voted opposition, didn't you?) Frankly, if the queue was less than 35 people long, I would've joined it too. But then knowing Singaporeans, that was wishful thinking, wasn't it?

Eh, the blogo-policeman off today, is it?

bluemad said...

We e citizen of Singapore n we

SING song in karaoke play like ding dong

GA a cigaret beware of w r u standing

POLE dancer make us high n low

but e REAL life is When Where Why What How sti a SINGAPORE-----N

Chris said...

真是死要面子。 A mistake is a mistake lah. What "But sometimes, man choose fiance out of choice". So typical of a monkey - proud and so VAIN Hng!And to think that you are called a Worthsmith. Such blatant mistake is inexcusable! Tsk..tsk..tsk..

Lam Chun See said...

Erh blogo-policeman not off today but blurr about meme (pronounced me me). Wat I supposed to do ha? Write 10 things in my blog is it? A lot of work leh. Can I just write one item here in your blog?

Victor said...

Wah, I didn't know that bluemad is quite a poet too. (Oh dear, I got a new stalker.)

Chris, the word is "wordsmith", not "worthsmith". (Sigh, there you go again.)

Chun See, sure you can write about just one thing on my blog. (But write.)

simplyetel said...

hahahahaha as usual, i love the comments flying around hahaha...


Lam Chun See said...

Victor. Looks like you still have the dangerous habit of taking photos of strangers without their knowledge. Have you forgotten the advice you dished out here? Or maybe you are confident of outrunning this chap in case history repeated itself?

Victor said...

An unrepentant, recalcitrant and incorrigible Victor replies:

Er... which particular subject in the hundreds of people queueing for the free cameras are you refering to, Mr Blogo-policeman? It is not practical to ask each and everyone of them for permission to take their photo lah. If they don't want their photo to be taken, then they should just cover their faces or turn away lor.

Okay, okay, I know that you are refering to the first photo of the lone man. Hmm... it's a moot point here, isn't it? What difference does it make in this case? You mean take photo of one person must ask for permission but take photo of hundreds of people then no need ah? Doesn't make sense to me leh. Anyway I already covered his face for him what.

I know your advice is well-meaning and given out of real concern and good intention. And I sincerely thank you for that. But I like challenges (which is why my blog is titled as such). I believe Steve Irwin died because of the same reason too. (Note that I am not in any way comparing myself with him here 'cos I don't even come near... to crocodiles or stingrays, I mean. Hehe, of course I really mean that I am just a nobody, not an famous icon like him lah). Although I am also shocked and saddened by his sudden death, I somehow suspect that Steve Irwin died happy while doing what he loved. Similarly, if I died for the sake of blogging, I will be happy too. Choy, choy, what am I saying?

BTW, where is the Singaporean thingy that you still owe me?

Chris said...

你也真是的。人家Chun See 一凡好意,你不要不听老人言,吃亏在眼前啊。。。唉。。。

Lam Chun See said...

The big size man decided to take offence and clobber you, it would really be nice if I could be around to take a shot for my blog. I try to picture him sitting on top of Victor. He would be even longer and thinner after that.

Lam Chun See said...

As Walter of NHB said in his comment on my recent blog on Safti, yesterday.sg Comments, "> "I would say that there is nothing which binds men more closely together than the NS experience" .....

I would regard the NS experience is something that makes me Singaporean.

And this has not changed over one generation. For example, my daughter who just completed her A-levels met up with some ex-classmates, including a few NS boys. She and her female friends found it quite fascinating that the boys were so excitedly exchanging NS stories. Even in my time, once the boys started talking about NS, they even ignored the girls at party time.

Victor said...

Thanks for your Singaporean story, Chun See.

Now back to the topic at hand. No worries. I actually asked his permission first and this was the dialogue (in Hokkien):

Me: Chek, can I take a photo of you please?
Chek: Jo si mi? (What for?)
Me: For my blog.
Chek: Simi LC si blog? (What the 'heck' is blog?)
Me: Blog is hu lien wang (Internet) lor.
Chek: Eh sai, heep lor. Tapi ai kam wa eh bin, chai bor? (Can, just take. But must cover my face, ok?)

And the above dialogue was repeated over a hundred times with the people in the queue too. Everyone said 'no problem'.

Would you believe the above story? Of course not.

Unless I am taking upskirt photos lah. Taking photos from waste level and from one block away should be quite safe mah.

You seemed to have conveniently missed out the solution which I recommended in a subsequent post, which is repeated here:

... my new stealth technique of photo-taking. I had set the camera's flash and electronic shutter sound off. I had brought along a mini tripod and was ready to use full telephoto zoom if necessary, i.e. 2.8 x optical coupled with 4 x digital zoom, making a total of 11.2 x zoom.

With that, I could shoot from the safety of my balcony window and still get him. After that, if he's nice, I just photoshop and make him unrecognisable lor.

evan said...

haha. chris, don't be so suprised lah. 老人都是死要面子的啦, tho' what uncle vic said is not wrong afterall. uncle vic, 快點說﹐你是不是 gay?? LOL

Victor said...

Evan, let me not answer your question with a "yes" or "no". I will just say that I am as straight (and tall) as a gala pole. But if I am gay, then Chris must surely be my chosen partner. ROTFL.

Chris said...

Choy... u go play "brokeback mountain" with some other bugger hor. Sorry u are not my type.